Many thoughts today.... thinking about life and the things I often try to control. Thinking about the choices I've made. Thinking a lot about the 6 years that we lost babies. There were many days that I my heart hurt so much, I didn't think I could breathe. My heart felt like a gaping, aching hole. I felt like I was being punished. I felt like I'd been abandoned. I wished that I could numb the pain. Why did God allow us to rejoice in hope and then rip it from our soul? I felt like I was doing what He asked. I felt I was living the life He wanted. I am a control freak...and this was something I couldn't control.
It was a painful journey.
It was a painful journey.
I was extremely thankful for Spencer and for the sweet memories of pregnancy, that I was able to experience.. and I love him so much. I felt guilty that, that wasn't enough. I felt guilty for wanting another child, when sweet friends were not able to experience having one. I felt guilty for feeling ungrateful. I felt guilty for being bitter. I felt guilty for being an emotional wreck many days. I felt guilty for not being able to give my husband another child. I felt guilty that I couldn't give my son a little brother or sister. I felt guilty for questioning God. I felt guilty for letting this define me. I felt guilty for desiring something, that must not be His plan. It's not His plan. My heart was screaming for it to be, but it was not His plan. I let go. It took 6 years. I couldn't fight anymore. I couldn't keep hoping and dying inside...every single month. I let go.
We put the nursery together and I said " if we build it, they will come!" I prayed a lot in that little room. I came to peace that it wasn't going to be through me, but we could still add to our family. We decided to Foster-to-adopt. We completed the course and we also were being considered as a relative placement for my little cousin. We were approached by a grandmother, with guardianship of two grandchildren. I saw that there were many opportunities, that I wasn't open to seeing before. I gave Him control. So hard for me to do. Then He gave us Thatcher. It still makes me cry.... the ugly cry! Once I let go completely... and gave it back to Him.... He gave me my hearts desire. I feel like I wasted so much time "wandering around in the desert". It was a lesson I had to learn. It was something I had to go through. The journey was the lesson. Am I still a control freak.... yes, it's something I have to battle daily (among many other things!).
But, I'm still learning!
I hope your day if full of joy and smiles. I hope we all have eyes to see His blessings.
